Declan - 21 - From Newcastle, UK, now at Exeter University
So I’m reading Why Does He Do That, and in general, it’s not bad. I am learning things that appear to be true! but like…he appears to totally ignore the option that women can abuse men?? He notes that in same-gender relationships abuse can occur, but aside from one aside (“men know it’s embarrassing to say they’ve been abused by a woman”) he completely fails to consider it a possibility.
Since the book is about controlling/abusive men, I could possibly let this slide, but he does discuss that a number of abusers will say they have no choice because they were abused by women, or use ‘I was abused, I can’t be mean, rescue me!’ as a manipulation trick. So he warns women away from accepting this blindly.
But like…it’s VERY IMPORTANT that “I am an abusing abuser who is telling you this fake story of abuse to make you not leave me/trust me” and “I am a guy who is opening up to you about abuse in my past, something that society doesn’t treat well in men” do not get swapped for each other.
And Bancroft’s heuristic seems to be “well, men know it’s embarrassing to admit abuse, so if he admits it early in the relationship, be nervous, women, and consider you might need to run away!” Which…I could see replicating really dangerous memes about how men shouldn’t talk about abuse and men who do are Bad.
This reminds me of horrible advice I’ve seen to never date people who have been abused because they are supposedly more likely to become abusers themselves.
I don’t know the stats on this so I don’t know if it’s true, and I also think that everyone should be able to have their own boundaries about who to date and so on, but promoting advice like this just further stigmatizes abuse survivors as broken.
YEAH. Bancroft claims (though I don’t see a citation, it does jive with what I’ve heard in classes before) that the correlation is extremely weak. Especially with many other ways to find strong-correlation red flags, this seems like a terrible heuristic that would also make it harder for men to open up to partners and potential partners.
Yes, this is why it’s so important to teach people to recognize potential abusiveness (or at least extreme shitty partner-ness) in people as early as possible. It can be extremely difficult to leave an abusive relationship, but it is usually not very difficult to, say, choose not to go on a second date with someone because some of the stuff they said or did just…didn’t sit right with you. And obviously men can learn to recognize these red flags too.
I don’t get this whole “professional gaming is a sport” thing. Like, it’s not. Sports are athletic. BUT just because it’s not a sport doesn’t decrease its value, chess isn’t any less impressive just because it isn’t a sport.
If anything, all these “games are sports” crowd are doing is completely depreciating their own medium. It’s like those pretentious assholes that are all “it’s not a comic, it’s a graphic novel!” like no, it’s a comic, a graphic novel is a specific format and a sport is something athletic.
Professional gamer’s aren’t athletes, they’re incredibly freaking talented and incredibly impressive but that isn’t a qualifier for sports.
So i’ve been happily avoiding supernatural since it became so shit I couldn’t even watch it out of loyalty to the first few seasons anymore… But “Deanmon” are you fucking kidding me? It sounds like a 5 year old naming a digimon after themselves.
The more and more I hear about the latest seasons of this show the worse and worse it actually sounds.
i move out sunday and i’ve barely packed at all, this aint good
I want lgbt book stores, lgbt coffee houses, and lgbt theaters to replace lgbt bars as centers of community, places to meet people, and lgbt rights of passage.
YES. i am so fucking TIRED of every queer event being at a bar or another 21+ venue, especially when alcoholism is a thing for so many, esp. queer youth, and community isolation is such a major factor in so many suicides.
R.I.P. The 2976 American people that lost their lives on 9/11 and R.I.P. the 48,644 Afghan and 1,690,903 Iraqi and 35000 Pakistani people that paid the ultimate price for a crime they did not commit